Anyone who reads my blog (or the few beloved friends who read my blog), hopefully realizes that I always have the best intentions of writing much and writing often. It's probably also become crystal clear that my intentions and my abilities are often out of sync. This is a perfect example....when on 31 Dec I wrote goodbye to 2000, it was my intention to write hello to 2010 the very next morning. Didn't happen sadly. My life just doesn't have a script right now. Sometimes other things just get in the way of my love of writing and expression.
Soul-searching lately has taken up a lot of my time. I became very ill recently, not the type of unwell feeling you can work through but the kind that knocks you off your feet and actually makes you curl up in bed. I had a lot of time to think, watch DVDs, and think some more as I willed myself better.
One of many epiphanies I have had as of late is that perhaps the best plan, for me anyway, is to really let life go unscripted. Sure, have intentions and make them the best possible, but don't hold yourself to expectations, especially unrealistic ones.
Life isn't perfect and no amount of scripting will ever change that. But to me that is part of the beauty of it; we never know what is really right around the corner. The unknown of tomorrow could be something negative or it could be the most amazing thing we've experienced yet.
My birthday is a week and a half into the new year. When 2010 arrived, so did my 34th year of life. This year I did something different, I did not set any new year's resolutions. And I think as a birthday gift to myself this year, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to hold myself to anything that I don't know for sure that I can accomplish; maybe let myself off the hook a little. That way, I won't beat myself up or feel like a total loser if I don't get everything right, all the time. I've always been someone who sets the bar very high for herself, only to feel like a failure to myself and those around me when I fall short, which is often may I add.
If I've come to know one thing with age, it's that I am not a super hero, I cannot fix every one's issues (as much as I want to), I cannot make money out of thin air to make someone else happy, I have bad days like everyone else, and I am not perfect and very, very human.
What I am realizing is that it's taken me 34 years to really learn what my priorities are. Those priorities are the same as they've always been from a young age really. The problem is I never thought they were anything special. And I'm not being trite saying I am anything special now, just someone who is aiming to be content with the life she is living.
It may not be a dazzling life, this life I've led for more than 3 decades now, but if I can look back on it and feel mostly at peace then it's good enough for me. Sure, I'd love to say that I could inspire billions around the world like Oprah, but I am happy enough trying to inspire my own children.
Being a loving mother/family member, being true to myself, being a real friend to others, letting spiritual rather than worldly things be my guide and at least trying to embrace optimism rather than being pessimistic (even if the rest of the world may laugh at me for being "naive") are the things that matter to me. These things have been magnetized lately, especially after my grandmother's passing in November. We can't take money, cars or houses with us when our time here is up. It's only the love and care we've shared with others that we leave behind.
Now if I could just stop wanting to make everyone else happy with themselves, just as they are. Maybe next year for my 35th I will give myself the gift of not worrying. Something tells me that's one thing I will never master. ;-)
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